June 8, 2011 – Week Nine Is No Picnic
Another up and down week for me as each day seems to counter the previous one. I ate more yesterday than any time since I’ve had the feeding tube so that was positive. Last evening I visited my golf league group while they enjoyed their mid-season food-fest. It was good to visit with everyone again and made me appreciate all the support I have here from my many, many friends. I was happy to see life at the golf course is moving along as usual. I can’t wait to get back to it – but I know it will be months.
Then there was today. I woke up this morning not feeling so well, put a bit of Coca Cola down my tube and proceeded to bring it right back up. Wonderful. I’ve also had a low grade fever (around a 100 or less) each afternoon and evening for the past several days. ChemoDoc sent me to get a chest X-Ray and urinalysis. Both negative so it’s a mystery. I’ve only managed to consume one can of “food” today negating all I managed to do yesterday. I wonder what tomorrow will bring.
Emotions: Not so good. My RadDoc Nurse Practitioner (Debbie) called me this afternoon and I just about fell apart on the phone expressing my frustration. She’s been my main contact person throughout all this and encouraged me to understand this is all normal. It’s tough. Then my wife came home and I told her about the conversation and she feels terrible for me too. Joanne continues to be a rock of support throughout this ordeal so when I feel bad she feels bad. Then I feel bad about that. I’ll soldier on but nobody should ask me if this is worth it at this point. I’m having a tough time right now.
Ben- this ordeal must be unbelievably frustrating, especially for an active guy like you. Its great that you continue to write as often as you do. kudos to Joanne for her loving support. Keep the faith that in a couple of months you'll be back to doing some of the things you enjoy. even small things that we take for granted every day will be special to you. I pray that your spirit and body get stronger each day, and that you see progress soon. Love you!! -Meg
ReplyDeleteBen,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me but I read your blog today and felt the need to reach out and say it's ok to feel how you do today - yesterday's feelings were just as ok and tomorrow's will be too. It's your cancer and your journey - you will come out on the other side of it. Mine was breast cancer - and I cannot know how it feels to need a feeding tube but I do know the fright and also the fight. So stay with it - it sounds like you have a wonderful support system and that is SOOOOOOOO important. Draw on them - they WANT you to. Someday you too will pay it forward.
Hang on there! You'll get better ;)
ReplyDelete