November 25, 2011 – It’s Time to Shut It Down

I’ve reached the point where I believe I’ve fulfilled the purpose of my blog. It has given me a place to vent, kept my family and friends informed and, I hope, provided a place for other victims of oral cancer to understand what they might go through.

So what have I learned? Well, not as much as one might think. I did learn that I have a wonderfully loyal wife who did everything she could to keep me going when the going got rough. She was just great during my ordeal and I couldn’t ask for a better life partner. I learned that I could depend on good friends to care and take an interest in how my recovery was progressing. I wasn’t forgotten; at times they cared more about me than I did.

I also learned that my belief system was well thought out and survived the misery and trauma of treatment.  I never “found God” just because I might die. There ARE atheists in foxholes. I’ve been a non-believer for as long as I’ve been cognizant of what belief is. Now I know I always will be. I don’t think that’s either negative or positive, it is just how I am wired. I learned I’m not afraid of death for reasons I don’t know. It’s possible it’s because I feel I’ve done all I want to do in life and now I’m on a permanent vacation.

In addition, I never deviated from my belief that, for me, quality of life is FAR more important than quantity. I want to live well (however I define it) or I want to get off the stage. I also learned that the human body can take quite a bit of abuse and recover if you keep at it and don’t give up. As down as I was much of the time, I never stopped trying to heal myself.  Chemotherapy, radiation, various drugs with awful side effects, inactivity, weight loss and even a bad attitude were not enough to get close to killing me. The medical team did its job and I’m well enough to live a mostly normal life again at age 63.

It’s now been 6 months since my last treatment. What am I left with? Disregarding my previously mentioned muscle wasting condition (which is taking a toll of its own) I feel pretty much the same as I did before diagnosis. I have the same energy level, same sense of well-being and a general sense of good health. I’m back to being an arrogant jackass at times. What I’m stuck with is oral damage that affects my ability to taste, chew and swallow. The lack of saliva leaves my mouth in various levels of dryness as well as leaving me vulnerable to tooth decay (I brush at least 3 times per day now). My jaw is always tender and sore as is part of my tongue. My throat is damaged as well and I have to clear my throat more often especially after I eat.  I also snore which I rarely if ever did before (more saintly tolerance from my wife). My doctors say that any improvement in these areas will be in the first year after treatment so I have until next May to start to taste sweet things again (that’s the biggest taste loss).

So that’s all folks. I’m back to playing golf and performing with my band (the two major activities before I became ill).  I want to thank the readers of this blog for their loyalty throughout my ordeal. I enjoyed writing it but I sure didn’t enjoy the reason I was writing it. But life is for the living and I’m still on this side of the daisies so I’m thankful for that. I hope all of you enjoy good health and have a long and happy future.

November 11, 2011 – Things Continue To Go Pretty Well

The last two weeks have provided proof that I’m closer to normal than I have been since March. My band had its first gig last Saturday, I ate a Big Mac, had some pizza for lunch yesterday and have eaten a wider variety of foods as time has gone on. Taste is compromised but I can taste many things. I’m also back to playing golf on my regular schedule (about 3 times per week).

The band gig worked out better than I expected. I did sing all my regular songs plus a new one. I did………ok. I’m not thrilled but nobody threw tomatoes or had pained looks on their faces (bands can really see the reactions of the crowd very well) so I guess it was adequate. The establishment invited us back to play again.

The Big Mac treat was on a whim. I was coming back from somewhere recently around lunchtime and started to think of what I was going to have for lunch. McDonalds beckoned and I remembered that during my more lucid times during treatment I wanted a Big Mac. I don’t know why but I always did like them. So I bought one and brought it home since I wasn’t sure how well it was going to work out. I didn’t want anyone to see me eat it. I ate it slower than usual and it tasted dryer than usual (probably me) but it went well. I think that denotes progress of sorts.

Going forward I’m hoping I get a bit better in the swallowing, taste, and saliva departments but if I can’t get better, I hope I don’t get worse. Radiation damage being what it is, it could go both ways. I’ll settle for the status quo if that’s the best I can do.

And finally there’s golf. I play but extremely poorly compared to a few years ago. It’s not because of the cancer or treatment but because my legs are so weak. Golf as an activity is likely winding down since ineptitude in that sport deems it unenjoyable. We’ll see how it goes.

My postings in the future will be fewer and fewer unless something noteworthy comes up either positive or negative. This was quite a journey and one that I don’t look back on with any kind of appreciation. It totally sucked and I’m damaged because of it. My wife was wonderful throughout.  Unfortunately she has to suffer now because I snore at night due to my damaged throat. But I’m alive and life is pretty decent for the most part so if there is no recurrence, the treatment was the right decision.  Life goes on.