June 12, 2011 - 9:30 AM - This Just Sucks

June 12, 2011 - 9:30 AM - This Just Sucks

I said this will be an honest blog and this should prove it.

I woke up this morning about 5:15 and my first thought was: "Damn, I woke up." This was after a particularly horrible day on Saturday following a wonderful day on Friday. I’m just angry and disgusted with this entire process and told my wife I’m sorry I went down this road. I’m sick of it. I’m now over 2 weeks past my last treatment and I’m supposed to start feeling better. I’m not. However, I will say that I've noticed a pattern that I'll get to later.

On Friday I ate 5 cans of food all of which went down easily and I was hungry much of the time. I was feeling like things were looking up - again. Good day – again. I awoke Saturday morning about 3:30 AM and went to eat some more but after a couple ounces of sludge, I noticed I wasn't feeling as chipper so I stopped. Later that morning I managed to finish that can but felt worse with each passing hour (nausea again). By about 2 PM I tried to take in a bit of Coke and immediately threw up. A couple hours later I tried food again but barely managed half a can. The day continued with increasing amounts of nausea. I didn’t bother with any more food. In the evening I started watching a show with Joanne and took an anti-nausea pill and tried to take in more Coke. I sat there, started sweating and feeling even worse and finally headed to the bathroom where I purged from all directions. That was particularly pleasant.

Off to bed I went and in some ways slept better than I have in weeks. I woke up (unfortunately) still feeling lousy and have managed to pump in some Gator Ade, water and Coke with no ill effects. However, I’m so disgusted, angry and defeated that I was sorry I woke up this morning. That’s just the way I feel.

Now about the pattern I discovered:  I’m on Fentanyl patches for pain. I change them every 72 hours. On the day I make the change I’m usually feeling ok but still have some pain. About 12 hours later I notice less pain in my throat but more nausea or at least more stomach discomfort. That seems to peak at about 24 to 48 hours into the 72 hour period. I’m able to take in little food during this time and usually vomit at least once. Then I start to feel better again but the pain in my throat pain  causes me to take “breakthrough” Oxycodone. But I am usually ok with food during this time until the pattern returns with the next change. So I have the “2 steps forward, one step backwards” thing going but the one step back seems to be as large as the 2 steps forward.

I may write later if I’m feeling better (which I believe I will) but at this point I don’t give a damn how this ends. I’m sick of it. Life is NOT supposed to be like this. I know, I know, this too shall pass but it sure doesn’t feel like it ever will. Can you tell I'm pissed off?