Here we go again. My throat is killing me today – and much of yesterday. It continues to stay damaged and enflamed despite being 9 weeks out of treatment. The two days it started to feel good were temporary. So today it’s back to almost all nutrition getting in via my likely permanent feeding tube. No oatmeal, no mashed potatoes, little drinking of anything.
Time to adjust to reality Ben. Your future is your present. Live with it. You have a permanent bad throat and will likely never eat normally again. On Wednesday I’ll ask the doctor point blank if he’s ever had a patient fail to heal for many months or longer. He’ll probably lie to me. Or I’ll be his first.
My anti-anxiety meds are working well. I have taken them at night and they relax me and I sleep well. I even managed to get pain meds in at 2 AM with some Boost so I still did a little feeding at night. My days have shown much less fatigue and much less anxiety since I now get a good night’s sleep. I no longer feel the need to nap all the time. I’m less stressed but more pissed off about all this. That’s a good thing really. Anxiety displays hopelessness. I can live off anger. And I can live this way.
I use the feeding pump in the day time now to pump in a can of IsoSource over a period of about an hour. That hasn’t always helped my stomach but today I discovered something that did: Diet Pepsi!! I know I raved about Coca Cola a month or so ago and that sort of wore off. But Coke has sugar in it and it added to my bloated feeling. Diet Pepsi(Diet Coke will work too I’m sure) seems to help flush my stomach so I can add more sludge at an earlier time. The caffeine is ok too. I’m ahead of schedule with food today so maybe I won’t lose weight.
On August 23rd I have my CAT scan to find out if the cancer has really exited the stage. Despite my pessimistic and resigned attitude, I truly believe they got rid of the cancer. I’ll be a cancer survivor with a crappy quality of life. So be it. I was able to sit down and read for a couple hours straight today. I also went to the gym and walked on a treadmill and did some light weights. I’ve been too restless and impatient to do much of anything until now. The anti-anxiety meds and some partial acceptance of my future has helped. I can adjust to this. I have no other choice.
My wife says my mustache has grown in and looks thicker and darker than before. She might be right. My sideburn hair seems to be growing in too so I’ll let it grow. Maybe I’ll let my hair on my head grow long again and hell….maybe a pony taiI.! Why not? Time for a new look.
I guess this blog is going to go through a transition from how I recovered from cancer to how to live a life after cancer completely screws up your life. When you get lemons……….
Maybe gurgling water with salt (it helped my sore gums)? There definitely should be something (medicated rinse, ointments or herbal remedies) available to help the throat healing.
ReplyDeleteAsk doctors for, try to find them yourself. Don't just accept "No" for an answer because it's not a way to live. Take care of yourself and good luck!